debmcgarryIt’s been a few years since I’ve been away overnight from my 11-year old son. I recently decided to plan a trip to participate in an annual coaching event and I had mixed feelings. But generally, I felt worried. Worry is my go-to emotion that I’ve been working on for about a year now. I am working on figuring out where the emotion comes from and how to relax my worry muscle.
What I found from coaching is that underneath my worry is guilt. Pure guilt that was there all along, but I called it worry, dread, and a host of other names.
So, why do moms especially feel guilty when they are away from their families?
Our brains say “they (kids) need us.” “How will my partner handle it? and “Maybe I should just stay at home, it’s easier.” Lots of thoughts that pop up and sound like a perfectly legitimate story.
Your Story Sounds So Real
That’s just it – it’s a story a lot of moms have in their heads. Either we’ve seen our own moms take this guilt trip with us when we were little and normalized it or we think something bad is going to happen to our kids without us. Or both. But the past is irrelevant, it’s what we’re thinking now that matters.
Whatever your story is, write it down and pull it apart. Not to say your story is completely false and ridiculous, it’s your story. But it’s important to get curious about it.
What are the facts of your story and what are your many different thoughts you have about it?
What I Found was Eye-Opening
“I am making my presence mean that I am so important that my family can’t function without me.”
I uncovered this thought during a coaching session.
This thought made me laugh when I said it out loud. Of course my family can deal with life without me. What kind of hero do I think I am?
I Went Inwards and Found Guilt
So, my coaching went more inwards towards the guilt of not being there 24/7.
Where was this guilt coming from? The guilt was coming from more honest thoughts, such as “ I’m afraid that my family doesn’t need me,” and “If I’m not there, something may happen and I won’t be there to help.”
Fear, Guilt, and Abandonment Took Centre Stage
I was taught as a girl that my mom was supposed to be there for me in every situation. I learned that women took on the caring and loving responsibility role for everyone.
For me, when I needed to talk to someone about love, caring and relationships, I always went to my mom. She seemed softer, gentle and kind. But my dad could have provided that tenderness if I had reached out, perhaps.
We are conditioned as young women to take on the same caring responsibilities and I don’t think that ever leaves us when we become moms. It didn’t for me, anyways.
Unless we question it, or dive deep into why and see how we can change it – if we want to – it stays with us and is expressed in different ways.
I certainly don’t want to feel guilty when I do something for myself, like take a solo trip. I know my family wants me to enjoy time alone, doing something I love.
Ask Yourself Great Questions
So, the question to ask yourself if you’re in this situation is: “Is my guilt [insert any emotion here] from thinking certain things about the situation serving me?” Is it serving those around me? The answer for me was a strong NO!
My guilt was leading me to do things that were not healthy for me (staying home, not looking out for my mental health, not relying on others (thinking I can do it all, etc.)
Without this curiosity around why I felt guilty, I would have never found the underlying reasons behind why I was telling myself this story.
Now, I can go on the trip and enjoy it. I may still feel guilty about be away before, during, and after the trip but I know now that it’s okay. It’s normal to feel guilty sometimes and I can choice to feel guilty or to feel a myriad of other emotions. I can be happy, excited, and relieved that I chose to go away by myself and take care of ME for a change.
The great news is: Your thoughts are up to you. You have a choice.