Say No to More Than the Mistletoe

While kissing under a mistletoe is cute with your lover, some people are a hard No to kissing a stranger, despite the stem’s long-standing tradition.

Lip smacking aside, there are many other holiday hassles that present themselves during this time of the year.

What can you do to avoid, or embrace, these moments during the holidays.

First off. We all know what happens when a family taught to cajole and belittle others comes together during the holidays. These behaviours can be quiet subtle but create a family dynamic that is negative and bitter. 

Emotions are high, coupled with triggers like fatty foods, alcohol, and a lack of sleep. It’s prime time for a family feud.

If you’re a people pleaser, this time of year can be even more exhausting. Saying yes to the mistletoe and Aunt May’s fruit flan is just the beginning. What about: buying 25 gifts (so no one is left out), sleeping on your sister’s couch, surviving the kids table, and many more realistic (but honestly uncomfortable scenarios) that no one dares to talk about.

So, Let’s go there. Because 3 out of every 5 people I talk to are filled with anger, frustration and disappointment after the holidays. And it’s not because they got the Rudolph socks for a fifth year in a row.

Why are holidays so fawn friendly? And how can you say no with confidence!? 

Saying a firm NO during a time of goodwill and cheer is not socially accepted. Sharp looks across the dinner table as you pass your store bought stuffing, gruff comments when you pass on the homemade wine, sarcastic remarks when you ask if the host needs help in the kitchen.

Also, there is often a mix of former people pleasers and regular fawners in attendance. Which makes it even more electric, foreboding, and just plain uncomfortable.

I’m not saying the holidays always suck. But if you want a better experience and you want to finally be yourself with your family, then read on. 

4 Tips for Surviving the Holidays

This guide will help you at the crowded dinner table discussing hot button topics, and playing chess with your favourite uncle (who doesn’t like to lose). 

1. Say No with confidence. Never get in a battle of who knows best. YOU have your own agency, use it freely. You know what you want, no one else. This tip is easy to say and harder to do. It will take practise to finally feel empowered at holiday time. It can be especially intimidating when you’re in a group of people that have known you since birth. Start telling one person in private No, instead of in a group setting where you may get a bigger reaction. Take your time, be kind to yourself. Eventually, your No will spill out effortlessly and beautifully and you won’t care how people react.
3. Stop over-explaining. You don’t have to explain your decisions until other people validate them. If you’ve created boundaries, or switched your yes’s into no’s, people may be confused, angry, or resentful. But it doesn’t help to blame them. They are allowed to feel whatever they want. Your natural tendency to “fix” the situation may kick-in. But back stepping to save face, or to fawn, is not where you find your power. Keep on your fawn-free path. Stop over-explaining and realize change may not be met with open arms. You get to decide when to say yes and when to say no, based on your values.
   
4. Misery loves company. Often people will feel left behind if you change your life “for the better.” You stop drinking, you lose 20 pounds, you become a millionaire. When loved ones expect you to be a certain way, it can be cemented in their brains who you are. A big change can mean you’re not accepted into the family unit or group like before, you get a shit load of questions from people (questioning your decisions), you receive angry calls demanding you apologize for your behaviour, and more. Create space for yourself to grow, with the possibility of losing relationships. Practise having compassion and kindness towards the other person, or people. If they lash out and you feel hurt, learn how to forgive them for their actions. Feeling love for the other person is amazing, even if that person doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. 
   
5. Learn when to leave a situation when it compromises your values. For example, you value respect, but at a holiday gathering, you’re met with long faces, a negative vibe, the silent treatment. Your body may feel the sensation to leave and then you have a  negative thought. It may sound like “no one smiled when I said hi, they must be mad at me.”  You start over-talking to make up for the awkward silence, you may apologize for nothing. Trust your gut, pay attention to what your body is feeling, ask yourself what your major thought is. Next, take a few deep breathes, then decide to stay or leave. Learn to be okay with people reacting negatively if you want to leave when they want you to stay. Do what’s right for YOU, even if people get combative or manipulative. Your emotions count first, NOT last.